Have you ever spoken to your child in a way that left you feeling disappointed in yourself? Perhaps you were going through a stressful time and you found yourself ‘snapping’, using language or physical power with your child in a way that you later regretted.

Many of us begin our parenting career with hopes of parenting in a way that is in alignment with certain values. Under the effects of our own emotional pain however, we can become removed from those values, removed from the purpose behind our parenting. We can feel like a ship in stormy seas, floundering with nothing solid to anchor to.

Sadly, the scenario of over-stressed, overwhelmed parents is all too common in our society. Lacking the physical and emotional support we need to maintain clarity, the family values we aspire to can fly out the window.

An essential parenting skill of course is to recognize when we need help. We will recognise ‘crisis mode’ by our continual anger, frustration or desperation, feelings of hopelessness or depression. These emotions tell us that we have important needs that are not being met. Seeking the support of an understanding friend or counselor, taking some personal space or doing things that give us enjoyment can bring some much-needed perspective.

Further, reconnecting to our purpose as parents can help us remain ‘conscious’ in our decision making, offering guidance and a more clearly illuminated path, especially during difficult times.

Assessing our parenting strategies

In clarifying the purpose of our parenting and assessing the value of parenting strategies, there are two questions we may like to ask ourselves. These questions are based on the model of Nonviolent Communication developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg.

In any given situation where I am wanting something of my child, I can ask:

1) What do I want my child to do?

2) What do I want my child’s reason to be for doing as I ask?

Do I want my child to do as I ask because they are fearful about what will happen if they don’t, or because they have a genuine desire to cooperate and participate in the requested activity i.e. they are intrinsically motivated?

When parents in crisis mode use power over their children with strategies of punishment, threats or ‘sugar-coated’ threats known as rewards, children will respond out of fear, guilt, obligation or the seeking of reward. When we make demands, use criticism or labeling (e.g. “don’t be a naughty boy”) to ‘invite’ cooperation, our child is being coerced into action rather than being empowered with making their own choice.