“Give a child to a mother and the mother will take the baby into their arms, give a child to a father and the father will take the baby into his hands.” ; A midwife once told me this and on closer observation I’ve seen it to be true. ;

Reflecting on this statement took me back to my own experiences and particularly to my wife’s pregnancies. More specifically to what would be a very memorable moment in any man’s life, when my wife stated “I just conceived” immediately after love making. Further enquiry proved this is not uncommon and while some women claim the same, others say they their first feelings were “a fluttering like a butterfly” in their lower belly a few weeks after conception.

My wife’s statements have all proven to be absolutely accurate which demonstrated to me that consciously or unconsciously a mother can be ‘in touch’ with her baby from conception. During the following months this relationship develops as the baby grows and moves and eventually presses against the walls of the mother’s abdomen which enables her to rub her baby’s head , back, arm or leg as it protrudes and distorts the abdominal wall. With five children and a professional life our household is a busy one often filled with mothers and babies. During some of these hectic periods I would watch my wife massaging her belly. “I’m calming my baby” she would say in response to my question. “When things get busy the baby starts to move around a lot. I’m just calming him down a little” - a matter of fact response from her, like most women would give, without realising the significance of her actions.

This intuitive response to our baby’s need was one that I could only observe - a child’s need that I could neither feel nor respond to. Born from their mother’s womb into their mother’s arms this “dance” continues, the biological unity, an empathetic relationship strengthened further through contact and need. The importance of not separating the baby from their mother at birth, of non interference during this vulnerable transition in a nine month relationship is well known and understood.

Skin to skin contact is known to be of great benefit to the mother and child relationship.
Perhaps what is less understood is the relationship that the father has at this time with the new baby. Most women seem to take it for granted that their partner is experiencing the same feelings as themselves in relation to their child. They may not understanding that they have had a nine month start in this relationship and are consequently more likely to be far more “in touch” with their baby.

Thinking that you know what your partner feels and actually feeling are two very different experiences - as different an experience as looking at a cake and eating it.
It is important to also provide encouragement so that men have the opportunity to practice and improve their trust and confidence in the holding and handling of young infants.
Supporting my wife at the birth of our children gave me the opportunity to experience the kind of relationship with my children that my wife had already established. Holding, embracing and gently feeling this delicate but resilient and exquisitely sensitive new being aroused feelings within me of which I was previously unaware.

From this time on skin to skin contact in the bath, laying together, heart to heart and side by side and assisting my wife massage and clean the baby increased my ability to hold and comfort my children with more confidence. Getting to know my children through their belly, the “Onaka” or honoured middle as the Japanese call it, was also of great help to both my children and my wife, allowing me to soothe my children with far more ease when feeding was not the answer and my wife needed some time for herself.

Growth and development come through nurturing the innate tendencies of the baby and establishing routines as and when the child is more able and willing to do so. In my experience this can often mean two steps forward and one step back, with a young child appearing to be at their most “clingy” just before they take another step towards further independence. At difficult times like this the presence of the father, especially if he is in touch and has acquired confidence and a few skills in handling and soothing his child, can be of enormous benefit. Childcare can be a twenty four hour a day, seven days a week occupation. Many mothers even sleep with “one ear open” and for fathers to acquire the ability to enter more fully into the care of their children from an early age on can be of great benefit in maintaining loving compassionate relationships within the family.