Leading from the Trenches - Approaches to Parenting

Another day is over and  I watch my sons while they sleep. I've closed their bedroom windows, pulled the  covers over their shoulders and now " before I leave their rooms " I say a  quick prayer for them and wonder how I'm doing as a father. Do they get enough  time with me? Do I use that time well enough? What kind of men will they be?  What kind of teenagers? And I feel  afresh the weight of responsibility to raise them "right" to do what I can to  bring them into adulthood well-adjusted, merciful, strong, principled,  creative, compassionate, educated, and ready.  I look at that list of adjectives and I think to myself: it's a tall order!

As a visual learner I  often need an image or a metaphor that enables me to see what I'm aiming at, to  get inside the "job" and gain fresh perspective on it, to sharpen my approach  to my goal. When I recently reached for an analogy to give me fresh insight  into the complex role of fatherhood, the image that came to mind was that of a  platoon sergeant.

The Sergeant is that  unique individual who both commands and collaborates with his men. He leads from  the trenches, not the HQ. He both issues orders and fights alongside  the men he has been entrusted with, for they share similar battles. It is  essential that he sends the men into battle while doing his best to ensure  their safety under fire and competence during their mission. He even nurtures  the unique skills of his subordinates, so that in some areas they surpass him.

Here is a great picture  of the command and collaboration aspects of fathering. The great father does his parenting with two critical dynamics in mind: expectation and empowerment. And these require balance. When we raise our  expectations of our sons, we need to do the same with our empowering them for  success. When we praise or adulate boys without stretching them into the next  level of maturity that the world requires of them, then we spoil and weaken  them.

Consider the chart  below. Here are specific roles that enable us to act out the two dynamics.

Umpire or Captain-Coach?

Simply put, the Umpire will take you out of the game.  He'll  penalise you.  He'll enforce rules and boundaries.  He doesn't have  to be angry about it, just firm. He either allows or creates consequences so as  to maintain order.

The Captain-coach puts you in the game, and keeps you focused on  the right plays. He debriefs you on how the "game" is going for you. He'll  encourage and feed your strengths.

Manager or Mentor?

A Manager usually directs a team-member toward a goal. As distinct from  the Umpire, the Manager creates some of the rules and adjusts them when  outmoded. The Manager sets Key Performance Indicators (If seven year old  Johnny's room is tidy and he's dressed on time for school, he's living up to  standards) while raising the bar on these KPIs after the team member has greater  experience (Now Johnny's nine he should also be nailing his homework and  making his own breakfast). It's essential for boys to have clear and  challenging standards and goals.

While the Manager sets the goal, the Mentor trains, resources and  sponsors the individual to accomplish it. He also models, allowing his actions  to speak louder than words. He learns to recognise and endorse those qualities  that are unique in his protégés, rather than attempting to recreate them in his  own image.