The early days of my most recent pregnancy, brought me once again face to face with fear. Fear of losing my baby, fear of something going wrong, fear that my baby may be born with health issues. Fear, fear and more fear. It consumed me, eating tediously away at any joy trying desperately to surface. It smothered me, overwhelming my desire to enjoy and celebrate this new life regardless. I withdrew and stopped myself from falling in love. This made me feel temporarily shielded from the possibility of loss - a looming giant I did not want to encounter again. But I knew such protection was naive and only a smoke screen for what would become of me if I did have to walk that path.

Having experienced miscarriage before, I knew I would survive. I knew the pain of losing something I desperately wanted and knew that I would make it out the other side. With all sincerity I value the gifts this experience brought into my life and would trade none of them. But the thought of facing it again filled me with fear.
Having avoided my fear for the first 10 weeks of pregnancy I received a phone call from a close friend. Her son had Chicken Pox and she was ringing to raise my awareness given our boys were play mates. On hearing the news, my mind raced and fear escalated as I rapidly downloaded the possible implications for my family and baby. Quicken into action I rang my midwife, organised a doctors appointment and blood test referral. I needed to know instantly if I had immunity and if my baby would be protected.

My efforts to organise myself and avoid all possible dangers came unceremoniously undone as I sat in a snivelling mess of tears and snot in front of the QML nurse. It was too much to hold. My efforts to avoid meeting my fear had forced me to now face it front on.

Previous to this experience I would never have anticipated the wonderful gift that Chicken Pox would bring to my pregnant self. Forced to finally feel my fear and be with myself in this vulnerable place I was able to experience the fullness of my emotion and find my way to the other side. It floored me, completely undid me and in allowing the surrender and fully feeling what I had avoided in so long, it no longer controlled me. Fear again took its rightful place in my life as my warning light and guide.
Despite the difficult and uncomfortable nature of fear I believe it is important to recognise its real purpose. It is part of our wholeness and what makes us human. It is a part of us often denied expression as it is deemed too painful or of no use. It may also be seen as wrong or ungrateful, particularly in pregnancy. It may be a part of us which we don't share with the greater world as to do so would feed it further and give it greater presence in our life.

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