Crisis Parenting versus Conscious Parenting

Have you ever spoken to your child  in a way that left you feeling disappointed in yourself? Perhaps you were going  through a stressful time and you found yourself ‘snapping’, using language or  physical power with your child in a way that you later regretted.

Many of us begin our parenting  career with hopes of parenting in a way that is in alignment with certain  values. Under the effects of our own emotional pain however, we can become  removed from those values, removed from the purpose behind our parenting. We can  feel like a ship in stormy seas, floundering with nothing solid to anchor to.
  
Sadly, the scenario of  over-stressed, overwhelmed parents is all too common in our society. Lacking the  physical and emotional support we need to maintain clarity, the family values we  aspire to can fly out the window.

An essential parenting skill of  course is to recognize when we need help. We will recognise ‘crisis mode’ by  our continual anger, frustration or desperation, feelings of hopelessness or  depression. These emotions tell us that we have important needs that are not  being met. Seeking the support of an understanding friend or counselor, taking some  personal space or doing things that give us enjoyment can bring some  much-needed perspective.

Further, reconnecting to our purpose  as parents can help us remain ‘conscious’ in our decision making, offering  guidance and a more clearly illuminated path, especially during difficult  times.

Assessing our parenting strategies

In clarifying the purpose of our  parenting and assessing the value of parenting strategies, there are two  questions we may like to ask ourselves. These questions are based on the model  of Nonviolent Communication developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg.

In any given situation where I am wanting  something of my child, I can ask:

  1) What do I want my child to  do?  

  2) What do I want my child’s reason  to be for doing as I ask?

Do I want my child to do as I ask  because they are fearful about what will happen if they don’t, or because they  have a genuine desire to cooperate and participate in the requested activity  i.e. they are intrinsically motivated?

When parents in crisis mode use power  over their children with strategies of punishment, threats or ‘sugar-coated’ threats  known as rewards, children will respond out of fear, guilt, obligation or the  seeking of reward. When we make demands, use criticism or labeling (e.g. “don’t  be a naughty boy”) to ‘invite’ cooperation, our child is being coerced into  action rather than being empowered with making their own choice.