Lecturer or Listening Ear

The word Lecturer normally has a negative ring to it. But if you were a medical student, you'd need and crave the expertise of a lecturer who can equip you to find the pancreas without cutting through the kneecap! In the same way, your son needs your knowledge about the world and a male's place in it.

Let me diverge for a moment into some how-to's that I've observed work well. Our current crop of children and teenagers will respond best if information is shared with consideration to the following three parameters:

• Stories " Consider the power of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf".


• Truth " Keep it authentic and factual. Kids are sharp. Gen Y's and Z's (people born between 1982 and today) can be trusted to make solid decisions when they have solid information to base them on.

• Relevance " Our children swim in incredibly fast and focussed information and media streams. You're competing with that. Learn to edit what you're saying to that which is most relevant.

Remember also that what we share can easily be undermined by how we share it. So,

• Make it timely " not the puberty talk at sixteen or at six, but at eleven or twelve.


• Use Teasers " Make an intriguing statement such as "That's not what women are for" or "My first year at High School was awful, but I found a way to get through it". Leave the comment hanging in the air, enticing them to ask more questions (then answer the question and only the question). This way you have invited them into a learning mode.


• Play the ball not the man " Neither make statements that are accusatory (eg. "I know what you're really up to!) nor what Michael Grose has called "prophetic (eg. "If you keep this up, you'll end up a lonely old man)

The balance to lecturing is the skill of listening " a communication skill much neglected by the male of the species. It involves laying aside your own agenda and inner-monologue so that you enter into the other person's perspective. Men have begun to make an effort to listen at work and to our spouses. Kids also need to be heard.

Listening demonstrates that you value the boy. Ask your son questions. When he talks, be aware that there are times when you should turn to face him. Nod occasionally and wear a facial expression that encourages him to keep talking. Try not to hurry him or finish his sentences.

Taking the Next Hill

Okay, Sarge, time to plan for the next phase of your mission! The following exercises are designed to help you do that.

1. Intel:
   
   
   1. Which of the roles above do you default to
   
   
   2. Which do you avoid or overlook
   
   
   


2. Strategic Planning::
   1. What could be some valuable outcomes from embracing the roles you avoid or overlook
   
   
   2. Listen to your gut: which "neglected" role is the one that most needs development
   
   
   3. Brainstorm six ways you could better embrace those roles. (What practical ideas can you gain from the image of the sergeant)
   
   


3. Action:
   1. Fromthese thoughts, jot down the twosteps or habits with the strongest potential to keep you behavinglike the father you want your son to have.
   
   
   2. Completethis sentence: "For my son's sake, I commit to"
   
   


4. Finally, remember you don't have to battle to bring your boy safely through to manhood on your own. Other men are fighting exactly the same fight. So who could you mention your thoughts to who could remind you occasionally of your commitment and support you in it

Look Again.

A final encouragement. Sometime this week, when your son is engaged with his homework, his X-box or his football - notice him. Remember again what a wonderful human being you have helped bring into the world. Remind yourself of your hopes for the man he will be - as well as the uniqueness of the boy he is. Refresh your commitment to both directing and partnering him on his journey through life.

When it comes to raising him well, you have what it takes. You just have to use it

The father who would taste the essence of his fatherhood must turn back from the plane of his experience, take with him the fruits of his journey and begin again beside his child, marching step by step over the same old road.

~Angelo Patri