How much time did you spend preparing for the birth of your first child? ; There seems so much to do, with ante-natal classes, yoga, pelvic floor exercises, buying baby clothes and associated equipment, preparing the house. You may have had to organize maternity leave, baby car capsules and prepare a birth plan.

How much time did you actually spend preparing for motherhood? ; Did anyone prepare you for the lack of sleep, the changes to your body, the lack of time for yourself? ; How about your relationship – how has it faired since becoming parents?

In running post natal support workshops, Mary-Louise Parkinson found that the thing most missed by new mothers was their relationship with their partner. Most couples understood that there would be sleepless nights and that their sex life may change but few women were prepared for the enormous stress on their relationship as a result of the birth of a new baby.

One workshop attendee shared these comments

“I realised the days of being a couple were over. We were now permanently three. I didn’t understand the full impact that the total dependence of a new child on me would have on my life and in particular, our relationship. Sex was the last thing on my mind – I just wanted to sleep!”

On average the sex life of new parents drops between 30 and 40 percent in the first year of their baby’s life. Since it is rarely anticipated it often sends shock waves through the relationship. More than sex the new parents need to develop a different type of intimacy which begins with clear communication.

New mothers need to learn new ways of communicating. It is really easy, after an exhausting day with a young child, to release pent up emotions onto the partner. This can happen regularly when a mother is not being cared for herself and when her needs are not being met because she is so busy meeting the needs of her child.

Women are highly competent, multi-tasking, caring people. When a baby comes along sometimes women don’t exactly know what to do. Many women feel incompetent or completely overwhelmed. They don’t realise that in order to give so much to a new child, they need to ensure that they give to themselves as well. In my workshops and in my book I try to teach women the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem (both of which take a pounding when having your first child). We practice asking for help, whether it be from the partner, mother-in-law, mother, friend or professional. It is essential that new mothers think about ways to ensure that their needs are met. After all, if the mother is not feeling good about herself, the whole family will eventually suffer.

I suggest mothers prepare a bill of rights. This can include:

I have the right to take time for myself
I have the right to ask for what I want
I have the right to do less than I am humanly capable of
I have the right to experience and express my feelings
I have the right to say NO and not feel GUILTY
I have the right to NOT always have the house looking spotless, the dinner cooked and the clothes washed
I have the right to NOT be the perfect mother
I have the right to FEEL GOOD about myself
I have the right to cry, laugh, sleep, sing and dance

Guided Meditation

This is an example of one of Mary-Louise’s guided meditations that you can perhaps practice with your partner. This meditation is also on the CD “Moving into Stillness” which includes gentle movement, visualizations and relaxation practices.

Most couples agree this practice creates a special, intimate space that they have not experienced previously. This meditation is powerful yet gentle. Some partners may be reticent to participate. Be sensitive to their needs and try to find a quiet and agreed time to do this practice together. ;If you are not currently with your partner then visualize the person you would like to be sitting opposite.

Sit opposite each other. Ensure your spine is straight and you are comfortable and relaxed. Close your eyes and just breathe. Feel the breath coming in and going out, focus on your abdomen.

Gently soften your gaze and watch your partner’s abdomen as it rises and falls with each breath. Try to synchronize your breath with your partner’s ; ; Close your eyes and sit in silence for a moment.

Soften your breath and only you are to open your eyes, your partner must keep their eyes closed.

Allow your gaze to fall to your partner’s hands, then slowly up the arms, shoulders, heart, up to your partner’s face.

Gently allow your eyes to really see the beauty of this person sitting in front of you.

Surround your partner in a soft glowing light. Keep your eyes gazing around your partner’s body, not judging. If any anger or judgment arises, breathe it in and release it out through the crown of your head.

Return your focus and allow your eyes to look with love and softness at this person before you. Feel a deep connection from their heart centre to your own. Return your gaze back to their eyes, gently close your eyes. When you feel ready, quietly whisper: ; “Your turn now”.

Allow your eyes to remain closed while your partner gazes at you. Give yourself the sanction to be surrounded in a beautiful golden glow of love and admiration for you as a person and feel the love coming from your partner as they repeat the sequence.

Sit in silence for a few moments. When you feel complete, simply give each other a loving, gentle hug.