Have you ever wondered what motivates men to remain at home to parent their children? What follows is a distilled version of interviews with three men who have chosen to remain at home to parent their children.

Ron is 39, previously an Insurance Broker/Tafe Teacher is married to Kathy 38, who is a Writer. Their children are Liam 6, Mary 4, Lillian 2.

What title do you prefer?
Househusband or home carer, not Mr. Mom.

How long have you been in the role and will you continue to do it?
Fulltime almost 2 years, and I will continue and work part-time next year.

How did you prepare yourself for the role?
My mother died when I was quite young, as the eldest child, I learnt cooking, cleaning and looking after kids and was comfortable with that role. When my job changed, Kath got work and I did a Dip. Ed. for returning to work later.

Did you have any role models?
My dad was the only one although we weren’t quite as young.

What prompted you to take it on?
It was a practical solution to a change in circumstances. Most blokes don’t leave school with the goal to be a house husband. My wife’s very talented with an income that’s twice mine.

What expectations did you have of the role?
I expected it to suit my personality and work well but it’s been tougher than I anticipated. It’s 7 days a week, mundane and there’s lots of housework.

I didn’t realize three kids would have such different needs. Liam wants to run around but I have to watch the girls too. Blokes who go to work don’t get how hard it is to juggle kids and organize the household. You don’t understand until you try it. Fortunately, Kath appreciates my role and enables me to take a morning off each week.

What do you think it takes to make a “good” stay at home dad?
You have to know its right for you, and love the work. You need to expect ups and downs. If you think it’s an easy option to escape work, think again. Be prepared to put up with strong reactions from others. You're considered to be a business dropout.

What do you enjoy most about your role?
Being with the kids, flexibility, not having a boss. I like the fact Kath can pursue her career.

What is the most difficult aspect of your role?
It was a big learning curve to get the housework under control so we have time for us to do other things. Receiving criticism. Making time for recreation and mental stimulation.

If you have a support network, how did you get it established?
Our network is mainly Kath’s dad, my sister and friends occasionally. Making friends was difficult because many women misunderstood my need for friendship too. Fortunately, some women did understand that. I tend not to want to disturb ex-work friends.

Has this role changed you in any way?
It’s definitely life changing. I’m more understanding, flexible, and relaxed. I’m more instinctual, I’ve learnt to read emotions and children’s body language. Money and career are less important, I’m less driven. My job is to enable my kids to be relaxed, happy and go at their own pace.

What tips would you offer to men thinking about tackling this role?
Know that what you’re doing is right for your family. Learn organizational tips to make the household run more easily e.g. get ready before the kids wake up, washing everyday etc. Be gentler on yourself, the kids, and your expectations. Enlist your family’s support. Tell your friends and anticipate that friendships may end. Treat it as a real job. Remember to accommodate your wife’s role, friends and stresses, which have also changed. Know you are challenging a stereotype.

Would you do it again?
If the circumstances were right for our family. It’s not for everyone. Professionally you’re still capable but there’s an undercurrent that househusband’s have “dropped out”. The organizational skills that you learn at home are useful but less recognizable. Your career path will alter, expect unwritten discrimination and plan ahead to re-enter the workforce.

Rod is 36, previously an Industrial Designer/Artist, and is married to Claire who is 34 and a Journalist. Their son Oskar is two, and a baby is due in 2 weeks.

What title do you prefer? Stay at home dad but not Mr. Mom. Primary carer diminishes Claire’s role breastfeeding and co-sleeping, we share the job.

How long have you been in the role and will you continue to do it?
Two years, then I plan to look after both children.

How did you prepare yourself?
The pregnancy fascinated me and I talked constantly to the baby. You can’t really prepare for the practical side of parenting. I would have to learn on my feet. Too much structure would be a downfall. The main thing I had to deal with was depression. I initially had negative feelings. I didn’t know if I’d be a good father. I had to make myself see it positively. It’s one of the few times I’ve successfully changed my thinking. I get stressed with depression/anxiety so I had to do what was natural and instinctual. I read about indigenous ways of bringing up children e.g. prolonged breastfeeding, co-sleeping, carrying babies in a sling which was crucial to us deciding to use Attachment Parenting.

My dad was emotionally detached. Now men are allowed to express emotion, and discuss feelings more openly. I wanted to be expressive with my son.

Did you have any role models?
No. Even having children was a new experience for our friends.

What prompted you to take it on?
Claire needed to move to Brisbane for work so we decided I would give up Industrial Design to pursue my painting career at home. Then Claire discovered she was pregnant.

I went from a job I didn’t like, thinking fatherhood wasn’t for me, to changing city, job, painting more and getting my head around being a father. I made myself think of it positively. I was ready for the birth and being a father when Oskar arrived.

What expectations did you have of the role?
I wanted to be visible, emotionally responsive and have a close three-way partnership, even if I didn’t know what the practicalities were. I would see somebody develop through the stages of being a person. We prepared by buying a cot and pram but we never needed to use them. As far as being a stay at home dad the mother is the most prominent parent. Claire was home for 7 months after Oskar was born so it felt like us together rather than me in a clearly defined stay at home dad role.

What do you think it takes to make a “good” stay at home dad?
An ability to multitask; some housekeeping skills; to be with and allow a child to participate in activities. Find a way to pursue your interests too.

What do you enjoy most about your role?
It’s the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done. The best thing is that I see continuous moments of development of my son. Without being religious, it’s the closest I’ve come to an epiphany.

What is the most difficult aspect of your role?
It’s the most exasperating and exhausting job. Stay at home parents crave time for themselves and feel guilty.
I don’t like seeing Oskar suffer, helping him through situations can be very draining.
I feel guilty because I am with Oskar and Claire isn’t.

If you have a support network, how did you get it established?
Our families live interstate and we didn’t know anyone here. I have a solitary occupation so it is hard to make friends. Claire met people who set up the Attachment Parenting support group. This helped early on when we were getting advice to resort to a more convenience based parenting model.

Has this role changed you in any way?
I went from unplanned fatherhood to fully embracing the role. I feared that a baby would change things, but I wouldn’t have wanted a childfree life. I am more emotionally responsive than before. Even being Claire’s partner, hasn’t changed me as much as being a dad.

I’m happy for Oskar to be the centre of my life now instead of painting. Having a child allows you to think and feel differently about the world in a way that other things can’t.

What tips would you offer to men thinking about tackling this role?
If you have the opportunity to do it, take it. Be open. Don’t try to make things happen. Get involved, play with them, do activities. Expect challenges.

Would you do it again?
I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It suits my goals and accommodates Oskar. Before Oskar was born, I would have said “No thanks!” but that would’ve been my biggest mistake.