Stay-at-Home Dads (SAHD) do it? tough.? Their social support network,? compared to their partner?s, is thin and weak.?? Their working peers don?t understand what they do all day.? They make statements like, ?I so wish I was? like you.? You can spend the day surfing? the ?net, playing in the shed or watching TV.??? Their fathers, fathers-in-law and uncles do not understand why a bloke wants? to do ?women?s work.?? Younger male? friends and acquaintances think that the SAHD has given up all ambition and? thus can be pitied or ignored.

And what about women?s? reactions?? These are more complex.? Some of them understand but others exhibit? thinly veiled hostility.? ?Home and children? are our domain and our responsibility.?? Get out!? is the message some exude.?? Others are amazed that a man can do it.?? ?How do you cope?? they ask, forgetting that men fought in the trenches? in World War I, showing that men can actually cope with anything!

But aren?t these reactions similar? to when women fought their way into the workforce in 1914?? And just as women have demonstrated that? their involvement in the paid-work domain is just as competent and just as? valuable as the men they work alongside, men too will show that they can work? on the home front.? However, there is a? difference in the two groups ? working women and men at home ? and that?s the? time they and society have had time to get used to the idea.? Women have been in the workforce in large? numbers since World War I ? a period of nearly ninety years.? As of August 2007, women make up 45% of the? Australian paid workforce.

Men have been at home providing? domestic services, in any discernible number, since the mid-1970s and even? these numbers are tiny.? I spent some? time in 2006 talking to the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) about how? many men were SAHDs.? The ABS doesn?t? directly measure men?s domestic contributions and the best it could do was to? come up with the bland statement that ?less than one percent of the Australian? labour force are male carers.?? This means that ninety-nine percent of? Australian men are either working, retired, studying or bludging.? Is it any wonder that SAHDs feel like a? minority?

So not only does society not have? an understanding of the SAHD experience, but at-home Dads have no model to? follow when they are taking on the domestic role.? The famous American sociologist, Robert? Merton, was the first to coin the phrase ?role model? and he recognised how? important it was for people to model their behaviours on the behaviour of? others.? Women, when adopting the? parenting role, have their own mother as a role model.? Men, when adopting a parenting role, have? their father as a role model, but for many SAHDs, the paramount reason they? have taken on the domestic role is to explicitly reject the role that their? father took.? I acknowledge that there? are other reasons too, such as financial or disability, but for many SAHDs they? do it because they wish to parent differently from their father.?

I am unaware of any quantitative? research that shows this, but anecdotally all the men that I know who have taken on the domestic role have deliberately? chosen not to follow their father?s example of fathering.? My own experience highlights this well.? My father was a loving man and a dependable? bread-winner.? He did his best to be a? good father to me, but oh how I longed for some of his time.? When he wasn?t doing paid work, he was? working for non-profit organisations to improve the welfare of others.? He took me camping only once in my life.? Most weekends he was attending meetings or? conferences.? My father was very much? absent from my life.? My happiest memories? of him were when we were doing ?something? (anything really!) together.? Other SAHDs I have spoken to have had violent? fathers or fathers who abandoned them when they were young.? Others had fathers like mine ? good men but? uninvolved ? traditional fathers who would be somewhat surprised at such? criticism.? They thought they were doing? the right thing.? Obviously, consciously? or unconsciously, we Stay-at-Home Dads want to give our kids something that we? never had.? A father figure who is? present ? not absent.

So whom do we model our behaviours? on?? The obvious role model for us is our? mothers ? if they were present and engaged.?? But men don?t work like that.? As? Steve Biddulph points out in his book ?Manhood,? at the age of six or seven? years, boys? primary identification point switches from the mother to the? father.? ?He will love and relate? intensely to his mother but he is not ?hers? anymore.? He actively wants to be with, and like his? father.?

So where do men get their? nurturing and fathering skills from, if their father was absent or too busy, or? too tired, to demonstrate nurturing and fathering, to demonstrate cooking and? cleaning, game-playing and discipline, and sympathy and empathy?? Men have to make it up, talk to their mates? and partners, or read about it.? These are? all acceptable ways of learning, but all take time compared to simple role-modelling.? A point which was driven home to me last? month.

I?ve been a SAHD (on and off) for? over six years now and I thought I was pretty good on the nurturing front ?? until a really nasty ?flu struck.? First? my youngest son had it.? He?s a rather? robust little fella so it didn?t hit him hard.?? It was slightly worse for my older boy, but not too bad.? I did the fetching and carrying and ensured? that they were clean, fed, comfortable and not too bored.? Then my dear wife came down with it and it? hit her hard.? I dutifully ensured that? she was clean, fed and comfortable.?? However, she told me that something was missing about the care I gave? her.? I wracked my brains.? What could it be?? I changed the sheets.? I washed the handbasins.? I did the clothes washing.? I fed her.?? What was missing according to my wife??? Empathy.

I thought that that was asking a? bit too much from a bloke!? ?Just get? over it,? I thought. ?No need to feel sorry for yourself too.?? Then I got sick.?? Oh woe!?? Oh lamentation!? Oh misery!? My wife looked after me.? She ensured that I was clean, fed and? comfortable.? She changed the linen and? washed the hand basins.? And she gave me? empathy.? What a difference that made to? how I felt.? But I shouldn?t have been? surprised.? There is no lack of research? evidence showing that empathy from a caregiver leads to a more rapid recovery? of the ?patient? than one that is given little or no empathy.

When I had stopped feeling sorry? for myself and was in a position to think a bit more clearly, I asked her,? ?Where did you learn to empathise??? Her? answer was simple.?? ?I copied my Mum.?

Of course when I think back to my? childhood, my Mum was also good at expressing empathy.? But as a boy I didn?t absorb those lessons? from my maternal role-model particularly well.?? I remember my father?s care though.?? He was very good on the practical front.?? Clean, fed and comfortable.? That? was his motto.? Why should I wonder where? my approach comes from?

So where does that leave us SAHDs? who are marginalised by society, don?t have role models to follow and have sick? kids (or a sick partner)?? Regretfully,? popping down to the pub isn?t the answer.?? But there is hope.? It?s worth? recognising that not having a role model isn?t all bad.? There are also some great advantages in not? having role models.? Without a role-model? you can cut your own path through the bush.?? You can be an individual and choose your own route.? This can be incredibly liberating.? And what to use as your compass?? Perhaps there is nothing better than to? follow ?The Golden Rule? which the Greek philosopher Plato explained as: ?May I? do to others as I would that they should do unto me.?

SAHDs may do it tough, but we? don?t travel without a compass, and we know just how greatly rewarding our job? is, whether we follow someone else?s path or cut our own.

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1 Australian Bureau of Statistics, Labour Force, 6 Sept 2007.

2 ?Is Staying? at Home Ruining My Career?, David Vernon, Sunday Life Magazine, 21 Jan 2007.?? See: http://web.mac.com/david.vernon/>

3 Manhood ? an action plan for changing men?s? lives, Steve Biddulph, Finch Books, 2002, p103

4 For example? see: ?Therapeutic Empathy and Recovery from Depression in Cognitive-Behavioral? Therapy: A Structural Equation Model.? Burns, D in Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, v60 n3 p441-49 Jun? 1992

5 Nearly all? the world?s religions have a version of ?The Golden Rule.?? It isn?t simply the domain of? philosophers.? Religious.tolerance.org? has a wonderful list of Golden Rule variants.?? See: http://www.religioustolerance.org/reciproc.htm accessed 24 Sept? 2007.?