Having children with good manners is something highly regarded in our culture and something many parents are strict about. They constantly remind their children to “Say thankyou”, “Say please”, “Address adults as Mr or Mrs”, “Say excuse me”, “Say sorry”, “Be polite”, “Be nice”, etc. But what we do not usually tell our children is that impoliteness is relative. For instance, we need to balance social expectations with the advice that it is okay to tell an adult to “Get away”, “Leave me alone”, “No”, “I will not do what you want” or to defy an adult by screaming at the top of their lungs when told not to scream in certain circumstances. If they feel threatened, frightened, endangered or simply uncomfortable, they must know it is acceptable not to be compliant and that you will support them if they are rude or defiant towards an adult.

Another important lesson for them to learn is that “niceness” does not equal “goodness”. A child needs to have an inherent sense that “they are good”, and that there are times when they may need to act in a way that is “not nice” and that you will fully support their actions. This is especially important for us to instil in our girls as there is much more social pressure on girls to be nice and good. Girls tend to be pressured early in life to be responsible, pleasant, polite and socially adept, while boys are generally freer to be rebellious, loud and outrageous.

A so-called “good child” is vulnerable to the manipulative and devious workings of the molester who will often abuse their role as an authority figure. A resilient and resourceful child, who has been raised with love, respect and given healthy boundaries but is not rule-bound, will have the intestinal fortitude and savvy awareness required to outsmart the approaches of a child predator.

When children feel valued and respected, they are more likely to tell someone they trust if they are worried or have suffered abuse. Furthermore, when they are empowered, they are more likely to be assertive and self-confident and less likely to be targeted by potential abusers.

So, be mindful of the things you do and say to your children in your efforts to make them socially adept. Respect their abilities to make assessments of people and situations and support them if they feel the need to defy an adult – any adult -- even if it’s as simple as feeling uncomfortable giving Aunty June or Grandpa a kiss or a hug.

Until children are free to express their unedited and un-manipulated feelings and emotions, and until due respect is given to their inner world, we will have a tough time protecting them from the paedophile.

It is essential that a child is taught that “respect” is a quality that should be earned. They should know that it is not a god-given right. I have taught my children right from the start that they should respect a person because of their admirable qualities and actions, not simply because they are an adult or someone considered important, such as a teacher or a police officer. That is not to say that they should not be appropriately respectful, but blind respect and unwavering obedience are definitely not qualities any child should have to adhere to.

It is a simple choice. You can choose to raise an obedient “good child”, who is more socially acceptable and who will not question or disobey instructions from adults; one who conforms with societal expectations and conditions, which thereby leaves him/her vulnerable to the paedophile. Or you can choose to raise life-smart, independently-thinking, self-regulated and self-reliant children, who will be more resilient, safe and happy.

You may have to buck the system with regards to current social and cultural expectations and you will have to model those things yourself – by being life-smart and a strong independent thinker, who is self-regulated and self-reliant. Maybe a more challenging option but one that I know I would choose!

1. Leidoff, J. (1986) p. 39. The Continuum Concept Penguin Books, London, UK