I think most parents gauge their parental skills on how “good” their children are and likewise, we are rigorously judged by others, according to how well our children behave. Parents of well-behaved children are universally praised and admired and much of what we read and learn about parenting guides us on how to raise “good” boys and girls. This unfortunately, is the very quality that makes our children so vulnerable to sexual abuse.

I feel in order to protect our children from sexual abuse, we need to make a shift in our perspective on what makes a good parent and what society perceives as a “good” child. Part of that shift needs to begin with the recognition that, in fact, being a good parent is actually about YOU and how you choose to respond to your child in the moment – how you choose to stand in your own power, how you choose to meet difficult challenges, how you choose to respond to joyful moments and what’s actually going on inside of you.

We live in a culture where “good boys and girls” are something most parents strive for. The majority of adults who converse with our children make comments such as “Have you been a good girl”, or “You be good for mummy won’t you”. This kind of thinking inculcates the perception that children are NOT good and for the children, they often receive the message loud and clear that their “goodness” is to be earned.

Jean Leidoff noted in The Continuum Concept that, “The social behaviour of a child develops among expected influences and examples set him by his society. Innate drives also impel him to do what he perceives is expected of him by his fellow humans; the fellow humans let him know what they expect, according to the culture. Learning is a process of fulfilling expectations for certain kinds of information”. 1

When we are talking about children, “good” equals obedient and let’s face it, obedient makes our lives easier. On the flip side, the child who has been raised with liberty and an inherent trust in their innate goodness, can and often will say no and will often challenge us on emotional levels we are not yet ready to face. I think that parenting along such lines in our culture can be more challenging, but the rewards for ourselves, for our children and for humanity as a whole are boundless.

A “good child”, bound by rules and prohibitions about what his parents want him not to do and who is punished if he fails to meet these expectations, is being denied the opportunity to nurture his own flexibility, his sense of power and his personal resourcefulness. A child taught to follow the rules instead of being taught to respond intuitively and flexibly to real-life, real-time information will be at a distinct disadvantage if confronted by the resourceful and dangerous paedophile or molester.

Socialisation and sexual abuse

We encourage the child to be a good boy/girl and to say hello to the man in the shop (a stranger), to respect the priest, to do what the scout leader tells you, to obey/respect your teachers, to give grandpa a kiss etc., etc., etc. When raising our children to survive in this perilous world, these are certainly NOT the rules that will keep them safe.

The child predator comes from all social classes, races and vocations and will find ways to legitimise his contact with your children. So it may well be Uncle George, grandpa, the man in the local shop, the scout leader, the bus driver, the priest, the policeman, the sports coach or even the teacher, who preys upon your child.