October 16, 2006 at 7:31 am #192155
Now I know this is a very taboo subject
I have had to talk to my kids about preditory behaivour. And I wanted to ask others to offer information on how they have discussed the topic with thier kids.
My middle child is 4 and she is very intuitive and does have alevel of understanding.
There are differnt ways to discuss it and it doesn’t hurt to use a few.
I am a single mum, following an abrubt end to a relationship because of this topic.
I had not seen anything to alert me to it, nor did any other friends or family.
These people I choose to refer to as ‘gifted liers’
But I am very glad the CMC detectives came into my life when they did.
The home computer was being used for much more than your average household.
The day after his sentencing hearing I found myself online reading a courier mail newspaper article, describing the actual truth of it. What was ‘really’ found on the computer when it was imaged by the police.
Not what he said was the truth. And yes the article was accurate!
I have had to explain nice cuddles, one that make us feel yucky, funny, sad and try to use different adjectives to let my kids know what is a good feeling and what is not.
What do we do if something happens in various situations, who do we tell, what if they don’t listen.
We discuss who’s car we can go in. What luring words people might use to get you in thier car.
Photo’s being taken. Touching, washing in the shower or bath etc. We talk about secrets. We do not have secrets rather we talk about how we can allow someone to be surpised by ‘eg’ not telling them what is wrapped in thier gift.
The list can be so long.
It is the grooming that children need to be educated about. The grooming is the mental minipulation that occurs prior to the act.
“you know you and I can have our sepcial little secrets”
“you know if you tell anyone they will think you were naughty”
But I had to start somewhere.
I have had family think there is still hope for you to be together, and the battle to convince some people is heartbreaking. That with all the evidence in front of them they can still diminish the crime for what it was and still have hope for you to be a family again.
In part I have not found it to be a generational thing with peoples preception of what is acceptable behaivour. I have found that soem people just find it easier to not think about it, even when they have had other family members be preyed upon.
Please don’t bury your heads. I did even after at the young age of 10 I was molested on a single occasion and following my 2 friends being affected worse than me, I confessed to the incident.
What if i had have told my mum, my friends may not have been touched. And I thought that having been exposed to such an event that I would never see myself having 3 beautifull children to preditor.
And yet I do, and i have learnt that you cant sweep this under the carpet it just breeds while it’s there.
I just now hope that I am doing all I can to educate my kids to be aware.
Time will only tell.
But I have made it so very clear to my family there
It’s just something that is so important for me at the moment, If but 1 family sit and talk about it that is one more ‘more aware’ child than not talking about it.
October 16, 2006 at 9:46 am #500422
I have had a few discussions with my seven year old but am wondering how much and ‘how’ to share with my four year old who is a much more ‘flirtatious’ (in want of a better word) girl.
It is a tough one, isn’t it?
October 16, 2006 at 4:55 pm #500425
That is such a brave post Mandalaine! I am in tears because of the courage you have shown.
Child abuse, or any abuse, must be spoken about with children. It is unfortunate, but they need to be armed to combat it. Not to speak about it with your children is to provide them a large disservice and is naive.
There is more that can be done though. As parents, we need to be vigilant about who we leave our children with. We need to look out for sign and symptoms in our children that something is not right. ( as a teacher we are trained on these. I will try and find a site that talks about them in the next few days and post it here) We need to follow our gut instinct and theirs. We need to listen to them when they are discussing people, we need to watch their imaginative play and ask them about their drawings. We need to watch their toileting habits. Regression in toilet awareness or delays can be warning sign, as can bloody stolls and UTI’s.
Children are so precious and so vunerable.
Thankyou for starting this thread Mandalaine. :kotc
October 16, 2006 at 5:09 pm #500419
Mandalaine, you sound so strong. Much stronger than me.
I might just leave it at that.
October 16, 2006 at 5:11 pm #500426
I’m so sorry Mandalaine.
I recently lit an online candle for an organisation trying to change policies and laws on online paedophilia – http://www.lightamillioncandles.com/ The info on this site saddened me so much. For those concerned, please light a candle to show your support.
I also found the info on this site: http://www.darkness2light.org/7Steps/7steps.asp very useful on the steps we can take to protect our children.
October 16, 2006 at 5:59 pm #500432
Thank you for your post Mandalaine. I never considered my son in a dangerous position (I don’t think anyone puts their child in a situation they thing they may be at risk) but still discussed “private areas”. It’s such a painful thing to discuss isn’t it? You need to but you feel you are stealing innocence as well. You have definately provided some good suggestions.
I still need to remind my son of “stranger danger” at 12 (he has occassionally stopped to chat and pat strangers dogs on the way home etc). It’s so hard to explain the dangers without going into details.
I still panic when he is going to a friends house I haven’t been in – you never know what they could be exposed to – people have different ideas of whats ok (what movies to watch in front of kids, what recreational drug smoking devices they leave around).
October 16, 2006 at 8:39 pm #500412
I need to step up awareness with my kids. They know about privacy, private parts of the body, good touch and bad touch but we haven’t really gone any further and really should in preparation for all the new school influences next year.
October 16, 2006 at 9:11 pm #500423
welcome to np mandalaine can u introduce yourself in our getting aquainted forum that would help to let us know a bit about u and your interests/life
thanks for reminding us to talk to our kids about the hard stuff too,,
October 16, 2006 at 9:24 pm #500424
whoops sorry i take it back i have now found your post saying hi again..
welcome back and thanks again for this post
October 17, 2006 at 2:30 am #500415
Mandalaine, I think you post is a timely reminder. I just quizzed my kids on waht they would do if someone came and asked them to come and see some baby possums with him. My youngest said he would definitely go, and he is almost 5. I really appreciate your honesty and openess, and also your mention of the ‘grooming’ that can go on with paedophiles. I did watch a doco some time ago where the men offered young girls (around 6 or 7) pretty dresses and beads and dress ups. It all started out in a fun way, then the predators started to take photos of the undressing. The whole nasty event unfolded from there. It sometimes feels just considering talking to my children about such things is robbing them of their childhood innocence, but then the consequences of them being unaware would impact far more greatly.
Thanks once more.
October 17, 2006 at 3:57 am #500435
Thanks so much for your post, its such an important subject and one I suspect we probably dont do enough preping for just incase.
thanks for the wake up call.
October 17, 2006 at 4:33 am #500413
Mandalaine, my heart goes out to you.
Having to deal with this issue currently, it’s hard (though mine is between children).
My son knows about private and public, that others can’t just touch him without permission (this includes innocent touching) and that he has the right to say no without getting into trouble. I recently went to two seminars about protective behaviours, something I’m now revisiting.
As for stranger danger – children don’t see strangers as we do (generally speaking) and for my son it would be useless. He believes anyone that tells him their name is his ‘friend’ and is ‘safe’. Rather he has a list of people he can talk to, hug and go in a car with.
October 17, 2006 at 7:25 am #500431
yep a good wake up call, thanks mandalaine.
much healing to you and yours – hugs.
October 17, 2006 at 7:36 am #500416
Thank you for sharing. This is something we can discuss in our daily lives, without having to sit down and have a ‘talk’. You have reminded us all to share with our children ways to protect themselves. I also think it’s worth asking them to look our for each other…
Thanks again and love to your family.
October 17, 2006 at 7:58 am #500439
Eilleen the darkness2light website is really helpfull.
It is well done and easy to follow.
It is heartbreaking to have to talk about such topics with children. I like to think my kids can still have thier ‘childhood’ but in saying that, it is my job to be aware of them as individuals to try and notice what might be something abnormal for them to say or do.
I think that, talking about it and being open about what is acceptable will be looked upon as being ‘normal’ for my kids.
When growing up, not talking about it was ‘normal’ for me.
You don’t know any different until you are taught different.
I have chosen to take a very firm stance on my situation. I choose to not hide behind it but be open as it is “not my secret to keep”. Only the preditor owns the guilt here!
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