I remember standing in front of the mirror and putting a cushion up my jumper. I just wanted to see what I would look like when I was pregnant. It was breathtaking – just as I had imagined.
We’d been trying to get pregnant for almost 18 months. I often cried, feeling devastated each month when my period arrived. When would this beautiful, much longed-for child decide to join me?
The desire to become pregnant was all-consuming. I thought about it constantly. My friends were becoming pregnant around me and it took every ounce of my inner strength not to be jealous-to be delighted for them and their good fortune.
Finally my day arrived. It was a Thursday afternoon at work, where I was PA for seven professionals. Great guys and we had a lot of fun. Most afternoons late in the week we had a glass of wine or two. I loved it! For some strange reason, I decided to go and have a pregnancy test rather than stay for a drink. My period was only one day late so I was being my usual wishful self.
As I sat on the bed it all seemed so sterile. Everything around me was white. White cushions, white sheets on the bed, white walls. I sat waiting, telling myself how silly I was. I’d taken home tests before, but I’d never been so hopefully optimistic that I’d gone straight to a medical centre.
The nurse was walking back to the bed that I was sitting on. She seemed to be walking in slow motion with the test in her hand. I could see her holding it out in front of her and having another look. Suddenly I felt like such a fool. I wanted to run out of there, sure I’d cry when she told me the test was negative.
She said ‘Congratulations, you’re pregnant!’ There was a mad whirlwind around me and I lost my thoughts for a moment, perhaps it was many moments, I can’t recall. It was a blur. I felt so light in my heart.
I can still easily get in touch with my incredible feelings of that moment. I cried all the way home. My husband wasn’t usually home at 5:30pm but this night his truck was in the driveway. I numbly got out of the car and walked to the door. I didn’t really know how my feet were moving, but they were.
I opened the door and walked in.
‘Hi,’ I said, ‘I have something to tell you.’ He looked a little apprehensive. Then I gave him the news I’d bee dreaming of telling him for such a long time: ‘You are going to be a daddy’.