When I was pregnant for the first time “Trust” became a mantra for me…. Trust my body, trust my baby, and trust birth – all juicy sentiments for home birthing. Leaving my candles, birthing pool, Neil Young CDs and trust behind I arrived at the hospital with pre-eclampsia at 42 weeks for an induction. I had no mantra that covered this. Sure I trusted birth but I did not trust post-dates, hospital, induction, high blood pressure, general anesthetics, C-section birth. I had spent most of nine months reading and researching why such births could not be trusted. I felt like I hadnt trusted enough, thus failing to birth naturally at home.
Before embarking on my second pregnancy I became a birth aficionado. It was my hope that if I gathered more knowledge I would be better at this trusting business. I trained with Michel Odent in London to become a doula. I had attended Mums and Bubs groups and birth education classes. I read everything I could get my hands on from Silent Knife to Spiritual Midwifery. I was ready to trust…. with my head.
I prepared myself for home birth for the second time. I carried my little belly of love for 40 weeks and all the while trusted as hard as I could. At 41 weeks things stared to get a little shaky. My midwifery care was only available until 42 weeks, after that I had the option of a hospital induction or free-birth. Looking back I now understand that I had confused gathering knowledge with wisdom. I had been looking outside of myself for answers when they were within me. I had been thinking up a storm and my heart struggled to be heard.
I can see this beautiful unconditional trust in my children and realise that most of my adult life I have been learning how not to trust. To think about and to judge, birth was no exception. I had judged my C-section birth but my wise little daughter had not. Accepting my first birth as perfect was what I needed to do to allow this new chapter to unfold.
I was moving from trusting natural birth toward trusting in life. From this space my son was born in a humble way on the floor in my lounge room. I have had two different births which have both touched me deeply. Now I step bravely forward, evolving toward a more genuine trust.